I didn’t mean for the theme of my blog to be about relationships, but here I am, only my third entry and finding myself right back at the topic. Man oh man did I manifest a good one. He was mine. Every single attribute I put on “the list” of my most desired love relationship. There he was. Mine.
A heart of gold. His openness amazed me. His calm presence soothed my busy mind. It was as if my spirit had known his in a past lifetime. When I met him I just knew he was a good man, I had an instant respect for him, with out even knowing him. I was the girl that always had one foot out the door, hard to hold onto, with lingering uncertainty, and a wandering eye. Not this time, I felt safe. It didn’t hurt that he was 6’4, charming, and sexy either. I couldn’t find one thing I didn’t like about him. We never fought, not once in the entire year we were together. We were never angry, judgmental, or hurtful towards one another. We had an easy going love that made me feel completely content. I manifested my dream guy.
As the year quickly passed, during the last two months of our relationship I began to have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was thinking that the natural next steps were proposal, marriage, and kids. The End. I’m just going to be a flight attendant, wife, and mother? That’s it?? This thought terrified me. I felt like I may as well be shoveling a hole for my own grave. Why if I had all that I ever wanted in a relationship was the thought of a life long union bringing me knots of terror in my tum tum?
This uneasy feeling filtrated into my work environment as well. My mood on the airplane began to shift. I was miserable at work. I began to despise every moment. Greeting guests, pouring drinks, collecting trash, meeting new people, and traveling. The good parts. The bad parts. All of it. Always. I thought the feeling would go away, but it just kept creeping up and becoming stronger.
What was I doing?? When friends would ask me, “Is he the one?” My response would always be, “Well, yea, I mean… I guess I see us getting married.” There was no reason not to. I never enthusiastically said “YES!! I’m so in love I want to scream it from the mountaintops!” Which would be a typical response from someone so supposedly deep in love. I overlooked these feelings of doubt and thought that there was no way this relationship was wrong for me if I couldn’t even name one thing wrong with it. I thought that since this relationship was such a significant step up from the turmoil and toxicity that I experienced in my previous one that I’d be a fool to give it up.
Two weeks before things officially ended I remember saying to my cousin and closest confidant that I don’t feel like I thrive when I’m in a relationship. She asked me to imagine my life with out him and I couldn’t. It was impossible. I cringed with guilt and disgust that I could even have such selfish thoughts. I spent every free moment I had with this man. Thinking of not sleeping next to him every night broke my heart. Just the thought brought tears to my eyes. How could I??
The distance between us was slowly growing. Personal concerns and life changing decisions clouded my mind and the one person I should have been able to go to was the person I was most terrified to confide in. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean the level of emotional intimacy runs deep.
The fact that I didn’t feel comfortable going to my supposed safe zone with my most private concerns stirred up every emotion inside of me and I completely shut down. I started to just go through the motions “I love you too’s” “I miss you too’s” If you know me you know that I can’t fake the funk. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my concerns in my facial expressions. I thought these feelings would pass. Thought that my love for this man would overcome my fear of being judged.
On the other side of this relationship was another really amazing person hiding his feelings. With months of hiding behind the surface of smiles, laughs, and kisses our imitation love bubble was bound to burst. The night that we finally spoke and decided to part ways was so intense. We sobbed. We groveled in the mystery that we loved each other so much, yet something was still missing. We held each other, cried some more, and even laughed some. It was healthy and heartbreaking. We finally shared a moment of true love with one another. No more surface. It was beautifully raw and I will always cherish those moments of truth that we shared.
We somberly said our goodbyes, but to this day I still feel him with me. Every relationship has a divine holy purpose. I believe that this relationship served as a catalyst for me to seek out my higher purpose in life. It also raised my bar a lot higher. Standards raised and motivation gained. The heartbreak hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt, it still does some days, but with pain comes growth and growth was what was missing. We had outgrown our relationship. It was time for me to grow on my own. Alone.
So yes, I manifested the perfect guy, but I also manifested the heartbreak. We’re always manifesting. We’re a walking and vibrating magnet, soaking up all the energy that we put out. Whether you write it down, pray, or it’s just your random thoughts, you’re attracting. So write your list, envision the perfect guy, act as if he already exists and the Universe will deliver. Just make sure you’ve checked off every single attribute and dream on your self-love list first. Self-Love attracts Holy Love.
The theme of my blog indeed is about relationships, but more so the relationship I carry within. I hope to inspire you to love and adore every part of you. To always be open and honest, while remaining true to yourself. Remember, you bring about what you think about.
Choose Love with every thought, Make Love with every action, and Be Love with every single atom, molecule, cell, and organ in your body.