Mandy is a Singer and Life coach, this is her story:
I get yelled at A LOT. Dad is scary. His face turns red and he looks like he’s going to jump out of his skin. My grades have been slipping. “You’re not STUPID!” He screams. “So what’s the FUCKIN’ problem?!” I don’t feel safe to tell him I’ve been molested at school.
It started when my crush said he liked me. I only end up being his girlfriend for only 72 hours.
It hurts. He’s jamming his fingers in and out of my twelve year old vagina. He’s mashing all of it with his whole hand. I’m frozen with fear. I feel like everyone in the quad knows. I want to say stop but I can’t. I’m paralyzed. After what feels like eternity, but is more like 20 seconds, he stops and walks away. I run to the bathroom and cry. I’m mortified.
After school, all the kids point at me and call me “Bloody Mary” & “slut” from across the quad. That night he calls and dumps me.
The bloody mary incident was a profound moment in my life. Instead of the boy being shamed for finger raping me in the middle of the quad, I was shamed and called a slut. I carried this label through high school and I began to conform to it. If I’m gonna get called a slut, I might as well be one. I wasn’t getting the male attention I needed at home so I began to seek it elsewhere. I thought it was my fault, which is a typical reaction to such abuse. When my grades started slipping and I was “in trouble” and being verbally abused for it, I thought I deserved all of it and I began to shame myself. “Why are you such a wimp? Why didn’t you tell him to stop? You’re not only a slut, you’re a cowardly slut” .
Nothing has liberated me more than beginning to listen to and change the way I talk to myself in my adulthood. I learned to be the comfort and support for myself that that little girl so needed. When I realized my thoughts were a choice, my life changed. I started to work on myself. I journaled. I read. My quest for self-improvement and healing became exciting and a bit obsessive.
Since learning how to treat myself with love and respect, I no longer shame myself for my shortcomings or mistakes.
I am Mandy.
I love and accept myself
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